Ranamix the Gaul
by Geoduck
Summary: In 50 B.C., all Gaul was occupied by the Romans. All? Well, not quite all. One lone village continues to hold out against the Roman invaders. That village, Nerimia, and its champions, Ranamix and Ryogix are always ready for a fight.


In 52 B.C., the long struggle between the Gauls and Romans was near an end. While Julius Caesar had a setback at the battle of Gergovia, he did ultimately triumph at the siege of Alesia. Defeated, the Gaulish chieftain Vercingetorix threw his arms at Caesar's feet.

By 50 B.C., all Gaul was occupied by the Romans.

All? Well...not _quite _all.

One lone village in the Northwestern province of Armorica continued to hold out against the Roman invaders. This small village, known as "Nerimia," was surrounded the Roman fortified camps of Compendium, Laudanum, Totorum, and Aquarium, in an uneasy stalemate.

And what of the indomitable Gauls who lived there?

This is their story.

* * *

Bad Ideas Gone Wrong Productions presents

Ranamix the Gaul

An Asterix/Ranma 1/2 fusion by Geoduck

* * *

Optio Nervus Verus led his patrol through the deep forest. When one of his four legionaries carelessly trod on a twig, he winced. "You idiot! How dare you make such a racket! You'll bring the Gauls down on us!" he whisper-screamed.

"I'm sorry, sir!"

"Don't be sorry, just don't do it anymore!"

The rearmost man in the patrol called quietly. "Optio! I hear a group of men approaching us from the south."

"Neptune's Beard. We're in for it now. Quick, hide!"

In a flash, the five soldiers stowed themselves in the branches of surrounding trees.

One of the five, a young, pale legionary with dark-ringed eyes scrutinized the approaching party closely. After a few moments, he tapped the shoulder of the optio, who was hiding in the same tree.

"What is it, Gosunkugus?" asked the optio in his quietest whisper.

"The people who are coming. They are Romans, not Gauls."

"Romans? Are you certain?"

"Yes. They're on horseback, and it's well-known that the Gauls have no horses in their village. Also, they are in uniform."

"Thank the gods. Out of the trees, men! But try to do it quietly."

The men assembled on the forest floor again with a bare minimum of clattering.

As the men on horseback drew closer, Gosunkugus tapped his superior officer's shoulder again. "They certainly are noisy, aren't they sir? Perhaps they aren't from around here."

"I was thinking the same thing myself. I'll try to quiet them down some."

* * *

Kuno led his small troop of men through the unfamiliar forest. It was all he could do to keep from weeping at his ill-fortune. To think that the heir to the house of Kuno could be brought so low as to struggle through the wilderness with no more than four retainers. "O Tempora! O Mores!"

"Er...beg pardon, sir?"

"Silence, underling. It is not given to you to question my utterances. The likes of you could never understand the pressures of nobility."

"Y-yes, sir," mumbled Hiroshius, sorry for the 1,256th time for ever having joined the army.

The legionary riding next to Hiroshius hissed at him. Hiroshius glanced over.

"Hey, Hiroshius. What the story on his high-and-mightyness, anyway?"

"I'm not sure, Daisukus. But the rumor is he had to leave Rome because everybody there hated him."

"Is that so? I find it easy to believe."

"Well, they say that Pompey once told him in the senate that if he didn't shut up, he'd `put a _pilum_ where the sun does not shine.'"

"Ow!"

"Indeed."

Kuno heard the whispering and correctly guessed it was less-than-flattering. "Silence in the ranks!"

There was a bit of muttering, then silence.

"I shall now recite poetry. Quoth Virgil, `_ Quid faciat laetas segetes... _'"

There was much groaning from Kuno's men.

As engrossed as he was with his recitation, Kuno barely noticed the patrol standing before him. His horse, however, stopped short, bringing it to his attention. "_ ...Eurydicen toto referebant flumine... _what? What is the meaning of this?"

Optio Nervus Verus stood with his men. "Friend or foe," he whispered.

"What was that, man? I can't understand what you're saying to me?"

"Friend or foe," the optio whispered again, a little louder this time.

"What? You ask me such a question? Is it not obvious who I am? Heir to the great Kuno family. Son of the Roman she-wolf. Peerless swordsman. Cousin to Julius Caesar. Scholar, warrior, poet. I have aptly been called the `Hammer of Vulcan.' Newly commissioned commander of the fort of Aquarium. I am none other than Titus Maccius Kuno!" Thunder boomed in the distance.

"Optio Nervus Verus of Aquarium and his men at your service, commander. And might I humbly suggest that you please lower the volume of your voice, sir?"

"The great house of Kuno both speaks and acts with boldness. We avoid timorousness and silence, sir." sneered Kuno.

"It's just that, if you continue to talk so loudly as you currently are, commander, it is highly likely that you will attract the attention of..."

"...of us." said a new voice.

The patrol was paralyzed with fear at this newcomer. They did not need to turn around to know what was awaiting them.

Two figures stood behind the patrol. One, who had just spoken, was the shorter and slimmer of the two. He was dressed in a travelling outfit, with a sword at his side. His head was covered by a helmet ornamented with wings. Judging by his face, he was a young man. Like most Gaulish men, he was unshaven, but he was young enough that he had barely begun growing a mustache. His hair was long, black, and plaited. He smiled bemusedly at the Romans.

His companion, on the other hand, glowered at them all. He was taller and broader than the first man. He wore no tunic, but instead had trousers that covered up his stomach and part of his chest. His helmet had no decoration, and he carried no weapons. Like the first young man, he barely had any facial hair, but the hair on his head was long, and tied into braids at each side.

Most impressively, he was carrying a monolithic rock on his back, wider and nearly twice as tall as he was. Despite this incredibly heavy load, he did not seem particularly strained.

Kuno was the first to break the silence. "Well, Optio, why don't you show me how your valiant men can deal with such impudent natives."

"Er...as it happens, commander, we can't arrest these men."

"You cannot? Explain yourself."

"It's just that these two are..."

"Ranamix and my assistant Ryogix at your service," interrupted the shorter Gaul.

Ryogix, the larger Gaul, seemed incensed. "How dare you call me that, Ranamix! I am no assistant of yours or any man! I am a self-employed _menhir_ delivery man, and you know it!"

Ranamix made a dismissive motion with his hand. "Too complicated to say. I didn't want to tell these Romans our life history, so I thought I'd just cut things down to the bare essentials."

"By Toutatis," growled Ryogix, "when I'm finished with these Romans, I'm going to show you who should be whose assistant."

"Actually," squeaked the terrified optio, "I think that our presence is so superfluous to this situation that it would be best if we were to leave. Come on, boys!" In an instant, the patrol fled, leaving Kuno and his escort, along with the two Gauls.

"Look at that," sneered Ranamix to Ryogix, "half of them are gone, thanks to your boorishness."

"Shut up, Ranamix. That isn't funny!"

Kuno coughed loudly. When that failed to attract the bickering Gauls' attention, he coughed again, louder. Finally, he shouted "Ahem!" as loudly as he could. This finally caught the attention of the two and had them looking at him quizically.

"Thank you. I detest being ignored. Now, Gauls, as I understand it, your names are Ranamix and Ryogix, correct?"

The two nodded silently.

"And am I correct in assuming that the pair of you are warriors from the village that refuses to recognize Roman rule?"

The two nodded again.

"Very well. Since enemies on the field of battle should know each others names, it is left to me to introduce myself. I am heir to the great Kuno family. Son of the Roman..."

"Uh, we heard all that before," interrupted Ranamix.

"Kind of hard to miss, really. You were really loud."

Kuno's face reddened slightly in anger. "Ah. So you know my name. In that case, Ranamix, Ryogix, I'd like to present the pair of you with two possibilities. I-you can immediately surrender and return under arrest to Aquarium. II-You can die instantly."

There was a moment of silence, before Ranamix spoke again. "Well, Kuno, I prefer option III. I beat you up and you go home unconscious."

Kuno's face turned a shade more scarlet. "Option II it is, then." Kuno lighted from his horse and drew his sword. "Unsheath your weapon, Gaul."

Ranamix did so. Ryogix protested. "Hey, why do you get to fight him. That's not fair!"

Kuno sniffed. "Silence, boor. I am no brawler. I will fight only those who wield the weapon of nobility, the sword."

Ryogix's fury was radiating off him in waves. "You Roman bastard, I'll show you who's a..."

"Ryogix, gimme a break. Why don't you take the other four, while I have fun with this guy, okay?" When Ryogix nodded in grudging agreement, Ranamix turned to Kuno. "Now, allow me to welcome you to Armorica. Yaah!" He charged his opponent.

Kuno calmly parried the blow, but was surprised to find himself knocked on his rear. Ranamix stood, waiting for Kuno to get up again. "You knocked me down, but failed to take advantage of the situation. Very unusual tactics." Kuno stood up again, holding himself in readiness.

"It's no tactic." Ranamix charged again, almost too fast to be seen. Once again, Kuno was knocked onto his backside. "It's a bet."

Kuno took a second to catch his breath, then once again got on his feet, this time a mite unsteadily. "What kind of wager?"

"Well, Ryogix thinks it's more fun to beat up a lot of Romans really quickly. I think that quality is more important than quantity, and that dragging it out makes it even more fun. So we're each testing our premises. How are you doing Ryogix?"

"I'm all done with mine." Ryogix stood in the middle of the four unconscious bodies that made up Kuno's escort. In one arm, he held the stacked helmets of the soldiers he had beaten up, the other arm being occupied by the _menhir_ he continued to carry around.

"You still think it's more fun to take care of them fast?"

"Yup. Aren't you done with yours yet?"

"Not quite. Almost, though."

"Would you hurry up? You never know when it could happen," Ryogix hinted significantly.

"Yeah, okay." Ranamix turned to Kuno. "Okay, fight's over." One quick swinging blow to Kuno's helmet, and the Roman dropped to the ground, thoroughly unconscious.

* * *

Notes: Going through old files and found this unfinished story from 2003. I rather like it, so I thought I might as well publish it. I've always thought that a Ranma/Asterix fusion would be a lot of fun.

I won't definitively say I will never continue it, but it seems unlikely.

Kuno's full name comes from the comic playright Titus Maccius Plautus. It was likely a pseudonym as 'Plautus' means 'flat-foot', 'Maccius' was the name of a clownish stock figure, and 'Titus' was a slang term for a part of the male anatomy. I had a Latin teacher who translated the name as "Dick Bozo Flatfoot." Anyway, I thought it a sufficiently ridiculous name to give to Kuno.

Kuno's recitation is from the Georgics of Virgil. Basically, it was 16-years-ago me showing off my classical education. What an insufferable geek I was and probably still am.


End file.
